Single in the City- 29, 10, 27, 2

By ME from my column in 'The Citizen Newspaper' on Saturday's. I am sharing them in MKEKA too. 

Issue 29

The illusive big O

 “I am thinking of writing a book, an account of Tanzanian women’s experiences in the bedroom…” Anande my therapist soul sister, thought to share this lovely idea with me. 

“I mean you should hear the complaints I get, I told you how Belinda the other day was like... ‘Nashangaa jamaa analamba vidole alafu anapikicha chuchu, kama anahesabu noti…” By this time I’m cracking up.

“Orgasms are elusive. Most women don’t have one every time (or maybe even most times) they hit the sheets. Plenty of surveys- and likely your own bedroom experience- are proof of that….there are ways to simply enjoy the valleys without hitting the peak.” –Dr Elna Rudolph, Women’s Health Magazine, SA Jan/Feb’14  

Kibao Kata for Men…

Now personally I’m aware that this society is conservative, however my editors cautioned that I bring too much serious and too little relationship in this column. So this week I thought to dive in straight for the bedroom. 

In one of my articles here I wrote, 'it’s important for women to demand satisfaction in the bedroom’. Part of the feminism cry is to advocate for mutual satisfaction in the sheets for both sexes. After all the role of man as a pumping machine, where ideal woman is the compliant baby incubator, is simply barbaric.

I recall whilst working with this magazine back in 2011, visiting a ‘kibao kata’ of sorts. Where this ‘sexologist’ normally called to kitchen parties, was giving a sermon. On this day she was hired by several ladies including my editor from the magazine, who invited me, 

To give tips on ways the ladies present can better please their partners. Sitting down on the rug of that living room, somewhere in Mbezi, I remember the 'sexologist', an elderly woman probably in her 50’s (we’ll call her Aunt Koku). Beginning the session rather boldly ‘kuna mtu ana aibu hapa kwasababu leo, tunaongelea kuma…’

You can cringe with embarrassment all you want but as Aunto Koku,  went on to ascertain most of us have come out of that unspoken body part.

It was discouraging for me to hear what Aunt Koku had to say when asked. Whether it was normal for women not to reach orgasm, during intercourse? She ascertained that it was absolutely normal, that even in her own experience. It’s something that came decades later in her relationship with her husband. She further cited collaborations of this from other elderly women. Further more she briskly pushed this part of the conversation aside, as though sex wasn't made for women to enjoy per say, rather for the men to give us stars for satisfying them.

The facts…

Yes, suffice to say Aunt Koku needs a dose of feminist literature. Still to her credit she attested, she was in cahoots with a male sexologist to bring sex education to men also, prior to marriage

“Kumbe bwana in the past even men went through ‘ujando’, I recall this guy telling me in their village. When a boy hits puberty they’re taken for an initiation into manhood, he mentioned as part of the process ‘In one exercise we go walking for days, deep into the wilderness deprived of food or water. 

At some point the elder gives us berries by placing one each, on our tongues. Whoever consumes that berry in gulp is severely punished. Then we’re told a woman is like that berry, she’s to be savored not gorged like a ravenous beast…’” Cocoa once shared this with me as a tradition from a tribe in the south of Tanzania. 

The article I quoted earlier with Dr Elna shed more light on why for women the big O, can be hard to come by. "'Men had to orgasm for the good of the species,’ says Dr Laura Berman…That means their brains are primed to tune out all distractions. Women’s aren’t.”-Women’s Health magazine.

One thing is for certain men need to listen to their partners and stop learning from those mostly female demeaning ‘porn’ flicks. As it turns out just because women don’t reach the big O all the time from intercourse, doesn't mean they can’t enjoy the process. 

Women go to plenty of effort to know how to please a man; it’s about time men did the same. For as I always quip we’re all born single and shall meet our death recount by our single some. 

Issue No 10

 

No common sense when I'm hungry... 

I’m currently finishing ‘The fault in our Stars’ by John Green a novel lent to me by my soul-sista & therapist Anande. In it I am brought to attention of Abraham Maslow a late American Psychologist, he came up with this table titled ‘Maslow’s hierarchy of needs’. 


It highlights that humans have five categories of needs; starting with your basic needs (food, shelter, water) which he titled ‘physiological’. All the way to the ‘self actualization’ needs (morality, spontaneity, problem solving, lack of prejudice, acceptance of facts).

As it goes the needs at the bottom of the table ought to be mostly met or the ones that follow won’t be actual needs or priorities for you. Meaning unless I’m healthy, eaten with a roof over my head, a steady paycheck & health insurance, there’s no way having sane morals, being creative and less prejudiced; are priorities of mine.

One character in this novel (Hazel) doesn’t agree with this, and in all fairness she has defied it. For in her case ‘healthy’ as a need is not met (with terminal disease) yet she certainly still made it a priority to be accepting of facts. Which according to Maslow’s table is a category five need under ‘self actualization’, see the quandary.

Feed me first...

Now me on the other hand am receiving an ‘aha’ moment from Dr Maslow. While Hazel definitely alerts me to the truth that a singleton, is with all five categories of needs and whether the bottom categories are met doesn’t remit the existence of the others in her.

There’s still plenty of truth in Maslow’s assessment for you can’t sit comfortably; acquiescing to your need of being less judgmental and accepting of facts. When accepting your own fact of being hungry and with no real health insurance; means alerting yourself to the truth that you’re fighting for basic survival with stringent resources.

In our cities accepting the fact that, dumping our waste in no particular order ending on our beaches & river banks means horrible dates isn’t ACCEPTED. Despite that horrible dates can have a cataclysmic effect on the whole nation. Proof being our population is rising at an exponential rate (1980-18.69million; 1990-25.8million; 2000-34.02million; 2010-44.97million)-World Bank.

For I wager that many of us are rushing to the altar and consequently having more babies. Simply to enjoy the better ambience of a date set at the wedding reception and of course the ensuing joint reduced rent cost of living together.

Then watch me care...

On a serious note that culture where a man can bring you flowers to woo you; or in my case take me on a walk in the woods, so as to have proper oxygenated talk. Is under threat! Our environment in the East African coast has less than 10% of its natural flora; I don’t hear town planners, politicians or me & you making this a priority.

Why? Well what Maslow’s table points out is real. As the majority of us singletons in Tanzania, don’t have our ‘physiological’ needs met (three meals a day, descent housing, water and good health).

However with all these emerging sky scrapers in my city, it must mean some 10% of the population probably over 50yrs & mostly men exist. So thank you Dr Maslow for giving me my ‘Aha!’ moment. As now with a clear conscious, I will don on that ‘Tanzanite-digger’ hat and mine away; for really we’re all born single and shall meet our death recount by our single some.

Issue 27

Leadership a quest for celebrity status…

I hope you registered to vote I did and just in time too, as I was scheduled to travel a week before the deadline away from my city of residence Dar. I had tried last Saturday afternoon to no avail, I ventured again on Sunday afternoon only to find a long queue, with an even longer waiting list.

So the next day I woke up before six am and made my way to the registration point closest to my neighborhood. Even then I made it on the waiting list as number 42, but luckily there were three BVR machines and by 11am I had my card.  

It’s not the passionate exchanges on parliament that ensure, we feel well represented as citizens by our leaders in this nation. As it goes it’s only every 5 years that us singletons get to remind political leaders, that they’re here to serve us. It fares then that voting is our obligation but more than this, being active participants in our communities is perhaps the bigger responsibility

Let’s not be railroaded

I’ve just realized that before we shine the limelight to the current campaigners, it’s vital we know exactly what we want from them. You see when we all get specific as to what we want different in our communities and indeed what we wish to remain the same.

Then we won’t be easily dazzled by the hype from the ongoing campaign movements, where candidates pull stunts worth of starring in a Hollywood thriller. Personally on my list of things I’d like see changed as a singleton of this country.  Include seeing pedestrians respected on tarmac roads with the availability of pavements.

I’d as well like to see concrete steps in developing our waste management system, which will ensure my streets don’t hoard plastic like mushrooms. I’d like to see noise reduction from the surrounding bars and regular pop up ‘rave mnanda’, parties that can keep me up all night. 

If you’ve noticed campaigns from our politicians are rather vague, in giving concrete solutions to our specific challenges. This is our fault for really how many of us look at the challenges around us and note them on the ‘to do list’ by our community? 

Indeed it looks like many of us despite being coupled up, live our lives solely from the standpoint of singletons (individuals). Therefore the challenges around us look too big to be solved by ourselves and so we shrug and complain ‘Watanzania bwana, we acha tu…”

It’s about meeting our goals

Yet one thing struck me as I was standing waiting to hear my name called, so I could go fill the form to get my voters card. It was the common thread among my peers, here were my neighbors clustered together against the morning chill; clinging to the hope that through enacting our vote, we will affect positive change in our community. 

I got to sympathize with the mother, who was concerned with disrupting her routine of making breakfast and packing lunch for her son to go to school. With the student, who has to work in the morning and catch evening classes and yet here he was queuing for one more day to get his voters card. 

Around me where men and women of different ages, race, creed and tribe united by one purpose, which is to see their voice count. Well as I quip we’re all born single and shall meet our death recount by our single some; this so you can understand that you have a vote in how you experience your life.

Issue No 2

Am single not an invalid…

First off would like to share my apologies from the English language for defining those made weak by an injury or disabled by a disease as ‘invalid’. What a crass word really, who’s to say one is valid or not.

So as it turns out women above 24 even in our cities; if you’re not with a ‘Shemeji’ then there’s something wrong or better put ‘invalid’ about you. Strange right, well to those who share this opinion (for respect of this forum) I say ‘why don’t you shove your opinion up your higher register through your nose cavities please’.

Unless…

Jokes aside I used to be those sheltered from TZ reality young women, who because they were privileged to grow up with parents. That fairly demonstrated that both sexes are equal if not by plenty of word then by affirmative deeds.

Had totally forgotten that the culture we live in our cities today is prevailed by an education that came from a colonial master. Back in kingdom come where women were in tight corsets made of whale bone, with no rights to vote.

What this translates is me going to my favorite ‘chips mayai’ stall, to get my lunch and have the boy there (who’s below 20 for sure) bid me adieu. With those glassy eyes letting me know he has a crush on me. With this unembellished sexist remark ‘Msalimie shemeji na watoto.’

This comes every time I am there, so one day I just couldn’t resist and told him they don’t exist. Oh no, big mistake for the next time I’m there he recants the same adieu albeit with a joke. ‘Mbona watabasamu nikimwongelea shemeji na watoto’

In my head am like whoa; this guy must be thinking he’s giving me a complement by implying that the way am ‘ladylike/beautiful/courteous/sexy/who knows’ I should be shackled with a husband and kids by now.

It takes a man to do it…

Notice in giving complements to me through that beautiful young man, although uneducated in critical areas. That I didn’t mention ‘Independent/Smart/ambitious’ all qualities I can qualify but really don’t need a man to highlight when they’re dating me.

So the number one reason am ranting is because pray forbid, if you’re a woman who’s not looking for marriage or kids anytime soon. And actually wish a man to think you’re sexy, ladylike-albeit with slews of serious tomboy syndrome. Then in the majority of many eligible bachelors of our country you fit only in two categories them being; ‘Witch ( a.k.a feminist independent prude)’ or ‘whore’ (a.k.a you have no morals and Satan will eat you alive in a burning flame). Meaning finding yourself single can be totally the norm despite being a healthy woman.

So I agree with Tina Turner ‘it takes a man to do it’. Many times those women, who are ‘what you see is what you get’. They’re lades attempting to fully recognize their abilities. A reality many human beings, including men, all over the world, are fast actualizing. With its modus operandi being: human beings are the most complex species on this planet. Therefore neither qualify as just feminine or just masculine.

So if you’re bold enough as a man to be present in a relationship with a woman, who is a 'witch' or 'whore' in TZ. I say salute otherwise don’t worry ladies for we’re born single and shall all die single.


© All photos are copyright of Caroline Anande Uliwa